Identity vs Invisibility

When I chose to start wearing the Hijab, I had one clear goal in mind: to identify visibly as a Muslim. My friends and family had one concern though, that I would lose my voice as a woman, that I would become invisible as a person. I would love to tell them that my Hijab has made me more visible than ever, that people notice me more and that I cannot be ignored any longer... but I would be lying.

Unfortunately, the Hijab has changed people's perspective of me. Not my friends, not even the Muslim community, but the non-Muslim world now wants to make me disappear. I know it sounds silly, but how many people do I meet that know me but don't see me. They look at me square in the face, and don't smile, don't react at all, I am a complete stranger to them: until I wave, or say hi, in which case they laugh nervously and tell me they didn't recognize me. I can't help but wonder: if I wore a tuque or a baseball cap, would they have "recognized me"?

Truth be told, people see my hijab and assume they don't know me because "they don't know any Muslims/Hijabis", they stop there. They don't look any further and thinking of the possibility of someone they know converting or even at getting to know one, they stop at the Muslim/Hijab and think: not someone I know or would like to associate with.

I'm not sure that's the fear my friends and family had; they were probably scared of my Muslim boyfriend or the Muslim community silencing me, but the truth is, it is my friends and family, my acquaintances who are silencing me. Not everyone, of course. The majority of my friends are welcoming and supporting me, glad to engage me in dialogue about faith or any other topic. They treat me the same and see no difference.

There are still few, however, who make it a point to treat me differently. To make sure I know that my decision is worthy of a change in attitudes and behaviours towards me. That choosing a religion other than their own, if they have one at all, is synonymous to disowning them or stabbing them in the back. That's not how I would like to see myself or my faith.

I wonder, why is it so comforting for some people, to see Muslim women as oppressed? To see Muslims as oppresors and against human rights? Why is it that when a progressive Muslim woman comes around, the non-Muslim community is so quick to dismiss it? People are so quick to point out the ass-backward logic of Saudi Arabia's government that forces women to wear the burqa, but refuse to discuss the just as oppressing logic of France's government that forbids wearing it. No one has any business in my wardrobe, that's my thoughts. Yes, many Muslim countries are male-dominated, patriarch, mysoginistic cultures and no, that's not right. But how much better are "we" in the West, controlled by our corporations, the one percent, and biased governments? If you are going to point out the extremists of my faith, I can point out to you the KKK or other extremists groups which qualify themselves as "christians".

Oh but they're "different", you say? Well, stop and think for a moment, perhaps terrorists and other extremists Muslims are "different" from me. They're the majority, you say? No, they're the more vocal! They make the news! When have you ever turned on CNN to listen to the story about the Muslim mom who went to work, came back, fed her kids and put them to sleep, then had some quality time with her husband? Which news channel airs that story?

So next time you meet a Muslim woman or a muslim man, smile. They're people, we're people and we deserve the same respect you would give anyone else. Make sure it isn't a friend, a coworker, a family member. Look closely! You never know who could have found their faith and really, just want to feel like a person! Give us the visibility we deserve!

I'm a Muslim!!!

I am extremely happy and proud to announce that last night, July 28th, I did my declaration of faith.

My wonderful boyfriend lead the declaration while in front of a number of friends! Thanks to everyone!

The journey is faaaaaaar from over, but this is definitely a step in the right direction. Thank you to everyone who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers: peace and blessings to you all!

Last minute fears...

Peace and blessings,

As you may now know, I am scheduled to take my Shahada (official conversion to Islam) over the weekend. I am excited, I am anxious and, yes, I am scared. I don't think that anyone in North America in a post 9/11 wouldn't be. I know far too well how my brothers and sisters in Islam are depicted in the media. Similarly, I also know how extremist some Muslims can be. I feel once again, stuck between two worlds.

Growing up, I was always the "daughter of the gay guy" to my straight peers, and the straight girl to my queer peers. Once again, I have decided to juggle another line: too conservative for my non-Muslim peers and too progressive for my Muslim peers. I guess I've made my bed and need to continue to follow my path the way I know is right. No one said following the truth would be easy.

While I am shaking in my pants, I know that I can do what I know is right, thanks to a number of people who have supported me throughout. My mom especially by telling me that it is perfectly okay for me to follow my own spiritual path and my boyfriend by answering all of my questions (and God knows there were many and still more to come) without ever pushing towards a specific interpretation, allowing me to make decisions on my own. I have so many friends that I can't even name them all, but in short, anyone of you, regardless of your own spirituality that have encouraged me to explore my own: Thank you. Fears aside, I am grateful to be able to make this choice for myself and I am glad that you are there beside me supporting me. God willing, I can be there for you in similar ways whenever you need me.

XOXOXOXOXO

Believing in spite of science

There has been lots of talk lately about the Higgs Boson or "God particle". From my understanding, this particle comes to explain the Big Bang and other concepts in physics.

What has been interesting in the discovery of the Higgs Boson is the religious debate revolving around this discovery. So many claim that now that we can scientifically explain the Big Bang, there is no reason to wonder "who lit the match". God, has no reason for being if science can explain the universe...

A friend of mine asked me this week: do you still believe in God in spite of science? Here's my answer on that one: I don't believe in God in spite of science, but BECAUSE of science. The universe, this universe is full of coincidences. For example, in order for life to be maintained, this planet has to be the perfect size so that its gravity doesn't crush us nor leaves us loose in the universe, it has to have the perfect breathable air, which is achieved by plants creating the oxygen required by using the Co2 emissions from humans and animals. The human body is a perfect machine of genes and neurotransmitters. While free will makes us imperfect, we have to admit, looking at the world around us, that we live in a seemingly perfect world.

Now if I "ran into" my ex 12 times in one day, I would stop assuming it is a coincidence and start thinking there may be some intention behind it all. While looking at this perfect, explainable universe, I can't help but believe it is more than a coincidence: this world, these creatures, the human body, they are overall too perfect not to be intentionally so.

Some may say "but there are tornadoes, diseases, etc. How is that perfect?" Science relies on the greater scheme of things not on individual cases. Smoking causes lung cancer, it's a well-known fact. Just because someone has smoked their entire life and hasn't gotten lung cancer, or just because someone has gotten lung cancer in spite of never smoking in their life, this doesn't disprove the correlation. Just because there are less than perfect situations doesn't mean that we don't have a rather perfect planet. Tornadoes and diseases cannot be avoided but they have their own reason of being such as remaking the environmental landscape or be caused by environmental toxins.

So here it is, I don't believe in God in spite of science. I believe in God because science has proven to me that the world is too perfect not to believe in a higher power!

Five pillars examined: 1 - Shahada

As Ramadan is fast approaching, with it is my conversion to Islam. In my public declaration of faith, I will be declaring my belief in the five pillars of Islam, the first one of which is the Shahadah: the declaration that "God is the only God and that Mohammed is His prophet" (in Arabic: La ilaha ilalah, Mohammad-ur Rasule lilah).

This declaration, while I do believe in it, has always bothered me. To me, it ressembles the Catholic's apostle's creed "I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ, His only son, our Lord" Why must prophets be mentioned in what I believe is the most important declaration of all: that we believe in God? Many Muslims believe that Christians worship Jesus and many Christians believe that Muslims worship Mohammed, and when we look at some's behaviour: they do! They try and emmulate these men throughout their life, while forgetting important teachings that God sent for us. Forgiveness, Love, Charity; those divine characteristics which better our world are much more important than chastity, following specific fashion or berating others about not following "the right" religion! What happened to that?!

For my non-Muslim friends, believe it or not, Jesus is mentioned in the Qu'ran more times than Mohammed. My belief in the words passed from God to ArchAngel Gabriel, to us via Prophet Mohammed is great, but so is my belief in the actions of Jesus. The Qu'ran speaks of love, mercy, kindness, etc. Jesus preached the same. So why focus so much on the earthly traits of either of these men - yes, they were men - rather than on the Holy Message of God!

So for my Shahada, my declaration of faith, I will say the entire declaration, but inside me, in my heart, I will be reciting the first part louder and and more genuinely because His message is the message I follow. None other.

Scarves and Rainbows

Today I'm in a good mood. No, sorry, I'm in a GREAT mood. The reason for my happiness? Well first, it is Friday and I love Fridays as they are the symbol of my impending freedom from my grown-up responsibilities. Second, I have finally published my blog for all to see, which is an important and yet terrifying step towards "coming out" as a Muslim. Thankfully, I have received A LOT of positive feedback from friends and I am looking forward on making them proud times and times again. Hoping, God wlling, that I won't offend anyone but instead will open a few minds. I don't plan on "converting" anyone, just let them into my world, which is full of contrast and, thank goodness, support!Finally, the best piece of news all week: I HAVE FINALLY FOUND A PRIDE-COLOURED SCARF! (Yes, I use capital letters because I am shouting... of JOY!!!)

Those who know me can tell you I'm easily amused. It is true, I find pleasure in the simple things in life. I can also be a sarcastic b**** but that's another topic for another time. :-D Of course, like any girly girl worth the name, I love rainbows. They are gorgeous pieces of light sent down from the heavens onto us. They are also hiding pots of gold according to some legends! In the Queer community, the rainbow also takes the role of symbol: diversity and unity within one community! As Queer spawn (daughter of a gay man), the rainbow flag has always had a special place in my heart and my life. I have claimed for years (and still often do) that my blood is half rainbow! In short, rainbows are awesome!

When I started studying Islam, my dad was terrified that I would change my mind about homosexuality, that I would suddenly hate him for who God made him and he would lose his precious little daughter. By no mean did Islam or any of the Muslims I've encountered have been able to change my mind about it all. God makes no mistakes and homosexuality is a God-given birth attribute. I disagree whole-heartedly that homosexuality is a sin in Islam just like I whole-heartedly disagreed that homosexuality is a sin in Catholicism. I'm not saying that nobody in those faiths believe that, just that through my studies, I find that the meanings of the verses used to justify homosexuality as a sin have been misinterpreted. (One day I will elaborate further, today: I'm happy, don't f*** it up!)

I love both my communities. I love Islam and I love the Queer community. As some (most) of you know, I am considering donning the Hijab after my conversion at the beginning of Ramadan (July 19 or 20). I have 100% gone crazy over scarves for the past year and now own over 50 (not exagerating, I actually counted them). One of the things that was terribly missing (yes, terribly) in my collection was a cotton rainbow-coloured scarf. Well, I actually found 3 today, two online and one in the market. I purchased everyone of them as they are all "different" rainbows and styles! That my friends, makes a fabulous Friday night!

Of course I hope to see you all out for Capital Pride Parade on August 26th where I'm hopign to march with other progressive muslims! :-) Looking forward to marching with a beautiful rainbow hijab! =D

P.s. if you haven't checked out my new Hijab and Head Scarf section, please do so. I have posted both picture and video tutorials for your enjoyment. Rainbow-coloured hijab tutorial? God willing!

Identifiable Muslim Identity

For the first two years of my journey towards Islam, I was very quiet about it. I did not know what to expect from family, friends, colleagues or from the world in general. Only in the last six months I have started to make decisions based on my Muslim Identity, which I assume even as I have not yet done my Shahada. Today, less than a month away from my official conversion to Islam, I find myself excited, nervous, anxious to finally become what I know in my heart I really am.

I have recently taken it upon myself to share with others this beautiful faith. First, through this blog: though I doubt many have seen it since I have scarcely talked about it. Secondly, through Facebook messages: disclaimer against Islamophobia at first, then more and more. Third, creating a meetup group for other Progressive Muslims. A new step is right ahead of me, for the past 4 years, I have taken part in a number of photoshoot with various beginner photographers, this weekend, I will be posing for my most revealing photoshoot: a full hijabi shoot! I say revealing, because becoming an identifiable Muslim, is an important step of my "coming out" as a Muslim. My family, my friends, my colleagues, they will all have to face a new me, a hijabi me, a woman with liberal views of the world who choses for  religious and identity reasons to cover herself and her hair.

This is to be the final step towards my conversion but only the first into the "real world" of Islam. I am looking forward to it but still have my fears of rejection, prejudice and hate. I am hoping that those around me who currently support me will continue to do so and I pray to God that He gives me the necessary strenght to continue in this journey!

The Social Muslim

It's difficult to find a space that is woman-positive, queer friendly... and Muslim. If you ask me, I would say it is almost impossible! I'm a 20-something, far away from my hometown in New Brunswick, far from most of my family members, and my group of friends has changed drastically post university. We all graduated, and some moved away, moved on or changed. I will be the first to admit that, myself, have changed a lot since university and finding my faith was a big part of that change. Finding a support system of friends has been rather difficult because my two worlds rarely mix: the queer community which I support whole-heartedly and the Muslim faith which I follow with dedication.

The hardest part is to find a space where I can mention both without being put at risk for my safety or at the very least, for my sanity. I've talked about Muslims for Progressive Values in the past. The community was welcoming and comfortable, I feel free to ask questions about religion without judgement for my stance. Recently, I volunteered to push the enveloppe: create a social outlet for like-minded progressive Muslims. Unfortunately, it didn't work out as I wished and the group seemed worried that being too open would bring unwelcomed guests. That is how I decided to spearhead the new Muslims for Equality meetup group. Our calendar includes religious and social events for young adults, adults in general and families. We are woman-positive and queer-inclusive and respectful of one and all! (for more info: www.meetup.com/M4E-Ottawa)

Now THAT is the space I wanted. Sometimes, when you want something it's all about going out there and getting it! Spear-heading this kind of social group is going to bring about more challenging, hilarious or interesting situations, but I'm up for the challenge. God willing, I will be able to keep up with this!

The Now, the Present and the Afterlife

"It'll come in due time." My mother used to love to tell me this. I was an impatient child and wanted everything right away: from rewards to answers and everything in between, I wanted everything then and there. One fall, I was snooping inside my mother's closet and found a puzzle, still wrapped in plastic. I brought it to my mom and asked "Is this for me?" Of course it was. "Can I play with it?"
-This was meant to be your Christmas present, you can open it and play with it, but that is still your Christmas present! It will not get you anything else!
Her warning went completely disregarded, I had stopped listening after "you can open it". I made the puzzle  once, twice, probably three time in the weeks that followed. In early December, I had moved on to other toys and completely forgotten about this one. I did not even notice when the puzzle went missing. Came Christmas eve, Midnight Mass, I rushed home to open my presents under the Christmas tree. There was my gift! Just one? Oh well! I had sparkles in my eyes and figured this gift would have to be extra special since there was just the one. I opened it...

There was the puzzle box, the same puzzle box I'd opened months earlier, played with a dozen times, had made and re-made... that wasn't a surprise! Gifts are supposed to be surprises! My mom quickly reminded me of her words when I opened the gift. I looked at my mom, angry, sad, disapointed... ashamed! Never have I ever looked for my gifts ever again, I never questioned anyone, never snooped around: I learned the worth of the element of surprise.

In the same line of thought, when I chose to give myself three years before chosing whether to become a Muslim or not, I never shown impatience, I never gave up on learning and never looked to convert earlier. It seemed to be as much a deal with myself than a deal with God. Lately, I have been asked why I was not converting officially right away since I already made up my mind.Well, I am certain that God inspires all kinds of thing to people, to me, the deadline may have been an inspiration. God has a plan for each of us, trying to mess with the plan makes it come back and bite you in the... well, you get my drift. I'm trying to be patient and waiting. The way I see it, perhaps there are other lessons I have to learn before I convert, lessons that are not clear to me yet, but will be in due time. When the day comes, I will be ever so grateful to have been given the gift of knowledge of God, of patience and of the lessons learned. Why hurry and worry each day about the Afterlife, when we have no control over when we will reach it? God has a plan and I trust in this plan whole heartedly!

Losin' my religion...

Over the years, I have come to build a relationship with not only God, but also with Catholicism. My mother being as practicing as she was and adamant about learning about Catholicism, I managed to learn a lot have grew close to my religion. However, as a child, I questioned my religion (never my faith) on topics such as homosexuality, the worship of Jesus as a "2nd God", priests' unability to marry and the hierarchy of the church. In my late teenage years, I abandonned religion almost entirely, appalled by those discrepencies between the message of God and the interpretation (or misinterpretation) of the people. However, my faith remained strong in God and His message and while I did not share my faith, I would often pray to myself when no one was looking.

My mother's faith in God has always remained unchanging, infaillible. She prayed the Catholic way and attended Catholic churches. She never missed mass and would join with others to study the Bible or to have prayer nights. For her sake, in my late teens, I would attend mass for Christmas and Easter. It became a symbol of my love for God but almost predominently my love for my mother, and my family: my love of traditions.

Now, here I am, becoming a Muslim in the months to come. My parents are both aware of, accept and support my decision to chose Islam as my faith. To me, chosing Islam was more of a logical next step to my already existing belief in God and Jesus as his prophet. Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) only re-itterated the teachings already instilled in me as part of my Catholic upbringing and clarified some confused ideas corrupted over time by the institution that the Catholic Church has become. However, on explaining to my parents why I chose Islam, my father asked "Can I still buy your Christmas gifts?" I laughed because my father is a self-declared agnostic and doesn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons. I told him that of course he could buy me Christmas gift and that I would even return the favour. "It's not religious as much as it is tradition" I told him.

My mother asked "...but will you be able to come to Christmas mass with me?" I don't know. I honestly don't know. Would I feel like I am turning my back on Islam if I attended Roman Catholic Christmas mass? I told her that we would see, what my comfort level would be. I could hardly attend mass in a hijab, but would I be able to part from my Muslim identity to be with my mother and celebrate with her our belief in God? She doesn't agree with everything happening in the Catholic Church, she worships Jesus as the son of God, not as God Himself, she believes priests should be able to marry and women should be allowed to become priests, she beleives anyone and everyone should have the right to attend Church, regardless of faith, as long as the sanctity of the Church is not compromised. Yet she attends Church every day and worships the Roman Catholic way.

If her belief in God and his prophets and Jesus supercedes the establishment, the organization that has become the Catholic Church, can't mine? Can't I pray to God wherever I am, to myself without feeling compromised because I am not surrounded by others who share the same faith? Islam is one path to God amongst so many paths to Him. He knows what is in my heart and He understands that I do not walk away from Him because I walk into a Church, a Synagogue or a Prayer hall... just like my faith does not fail because I walk into a bar, the home of a handsome man or a breakfast joint. Where I am has little to do with my faith. So yes, I might join my mother for Christmas mass, I will exchange gifts with her, my father and my friends. I am not losing my religion, I am finding my faith, my unchanging, infalible faith in God!

The HIjab

I have long debated whether or not I would ever consider wearing the Hijab. People, friends, family, coworkers, have all seen my hair. It has changed colors and lenght over the years: from blond, to black, to brown, to red and even some purple and pink, from mushroom cut to mid-chest lenght. I've done it all! My hair has always been a canvas for me to express my personality and my goals, from goth as a teenager, funky and cute as a first-year university student, to stylish professional in my last and now simple easy-fix feminine style. My hair has always been part of who I am and how I look. To cover it seemed unimagineable.

In the last year, I started thinking about it a little more. If the Hijab was to signify modesty, in which way should that be reflected in my personal life. I figured I would be more modest once I would have a husband. I somehow thought that the responsibilities of married life would transform me into a modest woman. Through marriage I would find purpose in modesty. I wouldn't want other women looking at my husband so why should I let other men look at me. That was all swell and fine, but I am nowhere near getting married. I've only recently entered a relationship and I am not in any rush to tie the knot.

Seeing hijabi women everyday in the community, I wondered if there might be more to the Hijab than a simple sign of modesty. Being a convert, I figured people would pay attention to me less if I wore less fitted clothes and uncovered hair than if I chose to wore traditional middle eastern garments and a Hijab: those are not part of me or my culture, and they make me stand out and attract even more looks!

So I explored the vast virtual world and found out there are many types of Hijabs. Fashionable Hijabs! If the only purpose of a Hijab was modesty, than why would one want to "stand out" with a fashionable Hijab? That's when I started to figure out that, of course, an aspect of Hijab-wearing was modesty, but another was identification. Women wanted to be identified as being Muslim women without losing their sense of identity as fashionable and beautiful. They were covered from head to toe but in a way that reflected their personality, their mood and their sense of style.

While I have still a long way to go before I decide to wear the Hijab all of the time, I have started experimenting with different styles for when I go to the mosque or when I spend time with trusted friends. It has been great to be easily identifiable as Muslim, without losing my identity first and foremost as a woman. In the next little while, I might start posting different styles of Hijabs I am particularly fond of. Meanwhile, let's pray that my journey finds happiness and support from those around me so that I will feel comfortable wearing the Hijab on a daily basis!

The Convert Connundrum

"What is your religion?" We ask this as if anyone can have a religion. religion belongs to God and not to any individual. Those born into a religion often feel like it belongs to them, and want those who convert into it, to treat it with the same respect and abiding faith as they do. So what if your view of the religion doesn't match theirs?

I find this to be the most troubling part of studying Islam. I do not believe in the more extreme perspectives, I would even go as far as saying that I'm more progressive than many of the moderates. This angers many who wish I would share their views of the religion. They're willing to accept that some may stray away from the beaten path but not those who have just chosen the religion. They want to see progressives as "lost lambs", but what if progressive views are the ones chosen by the new generation of Mulsims? This often shatters their ideals for Islam.

Unfortunately, I was never much of a follower. God is the only one I follow, and those who feel faith belongs to them: they can go to Hell. Religion belongs to God and God alone, and he alone can judge me. Unless and until they are granted knowledge of God's every desire, they have no right to tell me how to believe.

I hope and pray that those of you out there considering converting into any religion will not let others impose their views on you. Guidance is one thing, imposition is another! Let there be no compulsion in religion!