Last minute fears...

Peace and blessings,

As you may now know, I am scheduled to take my Shahada (official conversion to Islam) over the weekend. I am excited, I am anxious and, yes, I am scared. I don't think that anyone in North America in a post 9/11 wouldn't be. I know far too well how my brothers and sisters in Islam are depicted in the media. Similarly, I also know how extremist some Muslims can be. I feel once again, stuck between two worlds.

Growing up, I was always the "daughter of the gay guy" to my straight peers, and the straight girl to my queer peers. Once again, I have decided to juggle another line: too conservative for my non-Muslim peers and too progressive for my Muslim peers. I guess I've made my bed and need to continue to follow my path the way I know is right. No one said following the truth would be easy.

While I am shaking in my pants, I know that I can do what I know is right, thanks to a number of people who have supported me throughout. My mom especially by telling me that it is perfectly okay for me to follow my own spiritual path and my boyfriend by answering all of my questions (and God knows there were many and still more to come) without ever pushing towards a specific interpretation, allowing me to make decisions on my own. I have so many friends that I can't even name them all, but in short, anyone of you, regardless of your own spirituality that have encouraged me to explore my own: Thank you. Fears aside, I am grateful to be able to make this choice for myself and I am glad that you are there beside me supporting me. God willing, I can be there for you in similar ways whenever you need me.

XOXOXOXOXO

Believing in spite of science

There has been lots of talk lately about the Higgs Boson or "God particle". From my understanding, this particle comes to explain the Big Bang and other concepts in physics.

What has been interesting in the discovery of the Higgs Boson is the religious debate revolving around this discovery. So many claim that now that we can scientifically explain the Big Bang, there is no reason to wonder "who lit the match". God, has no reason for being if science can explain the universe...

A friend of mine asked me this week: do you still believe in God in spite of science? Here's my answer on that one: I don't believe in God in spite of science, but BECAUSE of science. The universe, this universe is full of coincidences. For example, in order for life to be maintained, this planet has to be the perfect size so that its gravity doesn't crush us nor leaves us loose in the universe, it has to have the perfect breathable air, which is achieved by plants creating the oxygen required by using the Co2 emissions from humans and animals. The human body is a perfect machine of genes and neurotransmitters. While free will makes us imperfect, we have to admit, looking at the world around us, that we live in a seemingly perfect world.

Now if I "ran into" my ex 12 times in one day, I would stop assuming it is a coincidence and start thinking there may be some intention behind it all. While looking at this perfect, explainable universe, I can't help but believe it is more than a coincidence: this world, these creatures, the human body, they are overall too perfect not to be intentionally so.

Some may say "but there are tornadoes, diseases, etc. How is that perfect?" Science relies on the greater scheme of things not on individual cases. Smoking causes lung cancer, it's a well-known fact. Just because someone has smoked their entire life and hasn't gotten lung cancer, or just because someone has gotten lung cancer in spite of never smoking in their life, this doesn't disprove the correlation. Just because there are less than perfect situations doesn't mean that we don't have a rather perfect planet. Tornadoes and diseases cannot be avoided but they have their own reason of being such as remaking the environmental landscape or be caused by environmental toxins.

So here it is, I don't believe in God in spite of science. I believe in God because science has proven to me that the world is too perfect not to believe in a higher power!

Scarves and Rainbows

Today I'm in a good mood. No, sorry, I'm in a GREAT mood. The reason for my happiness? Well first, it is Friday and I love Fridays as they are the symbol of my impending freedom from my grown-up responsibilities. Second, I have finally published my blog for all to see, which is an important and yet terrifying step towards "coming out" as a Muslim. Thankfully, I have received A LOT of positive feedback from friends and I am looking forward on making them proud times and times again. Hoping, God wlling, that I won't offend anyone but instead will open a few minds. I don't plan on "converting" anyone, just let them into my world, which is full of contrast and, thank goodness, support!Finally, the best piece of news all week: I HAVE FINALLY FOUND A PRIDE-COLOURED SCARF! (Yes, I use capital letters because I am shouting... of JOY!!!)

Those who know me can tell you I'm easily amused. It is true, I find pleasure in the simple things in life. I can also be a sarcastic b**** but that's another topic for another time. :-D Of course, like any girly girl worth the name, I love rainbows. They are gorgeous pieces of light sent down from the heavens onto us. They are also hiding pots of gold according to some legends! In the Queer community, the rainbow also takes the role of symbol: diversity and unity within one community! As Queer spawn (daughter of a gay man), the rainbow flag has always had a special place in my heart and my life. I have claimed for years (and still often do) that my blood is half rainbow! In short, rainbows are awesome!

When I started studying Islam, my dad was terrified that I would change my mind about homosexuality, that I would suddenly hate him for who God made him and he would lose his precious little daughter. By no mean did Islam or any of the Muslims I've encountered have been able to change my mind about it all. God makes no mistakes and homosexuality is a God-given birth attribute. I disagree whole-heartedly that homosexuality is a sin in Islam just like I whole-heartedly disagreed that homosexuality is a sin in Catholicism. I'm not saying that nobody in those faiths believe that, just that through my studies, I find that the meanings of the verses used to justify homosexuality as a sin have been misinterpreted. (One day I will elaborate further, today: I'm happy, don't f*** it up!)

I love both my communities. I love Islam and I love the Queer community. As some (most) of you know, I am considering donning the Hijab after my conversion at the beginning of Ramadan (July 19 or 20). I have 100% gone crazy over scarves for the past year and now own over 50 (not exagerating, I actually counted them). One of the things that was terribly missing (yes, terribly) in my collection was a cotton rainbow-coloured scarf. Well, I actually found 3 today, two online and one in the market. I purchased everyone of them as they are all "different" rainbows and styles! That my friends, makes a fabulous Friday night!

Of course I hope to see you all out for Capital Pride Parade on August 26th where I'm hopign to march with other progressive muslims! :-) Looking forward to marching with a beautiful rainbow hijab! =D

P.s. if you haven't checked out my new Hijab and Head Scarf section, please do so. I have posted both picture and video tutorials for your enjoyment. Rainbow-coloured hijab tutorial? God willing!

The Social Muslim

It's difficult to find a space that is woman-positive, queer friendly... and Muslim. If you ask me, I would say it is almost impossible! I'm a 20-something, far away from my hometown in New Brunswick, far from most of my family members, and my group of friends has changed drastically post university. We all graduated, and some moved away, moved on or changed. I will be the first to admit that, myself, have changed a lot since university and finding my faith was a big part of that change. Finding a support system of friends has been rather difficult because my two worlds rarely mix: the queer community which I support whole-heartedly and the Muslim faith which I follow with dedication.

The hardest part is to find a space where I can mention both without being put at risk for my safety or at the very least, for my sanity. I've talked about Muslims for Progressive Values in the past. The community was welcoming and comfortable, I feel free to ask questions about religion without judgement for my stance. Recently, I volunteered to push the enveloppe: create a social outlet for like-minded progressive Muslims. Unfortunately, it didn't work out as I wished and the group seemed worried that being too open would bring unwelcomed guests. That is how I decided to spearhead the new Muslims for Equality meetup group. Our calendar includes religious and social events for young adults, adults in general and families. We are woman-positive and queer-inclusive and respectful of one and all! (for more info: www.meetup.com/M4E-Ottawa)

Now THAT is the space I wanted. Sometimes, when you want something it's all about going out there and getting it! Spear-heading this kind of social group is going to bring about more challenging, hilarious or interesting situations, but I'm up for the challenge. God willing, I will be able to keep up with this!

The Now, the Present and the Afterlife

"It'll come in due time." My mother used to love to tell me this. I was an impatient child and wanted everything right away: from rewards to answers and everything in between, I wanted everything then and there. One fall, I was snooping inside my mother's closet and found a puzzle, still wrapped in plastic. I brought it to my mom and asked "Is this for me?" Of course it was. "Can I play with it?"
-This was meant to be your Christmas present, you can open it and play with it, but that is still your Christmas present! It will not get you anything else!
Her warning went completely disregarded, I had stopped listening after "you can open it". I made the puzzle  once, twice, probably three time in the weeks that followed. In early December, I had moved on to other toys and completely forgotten about this one. I did not even notice when the puzzle went missing. Came Christmas eve, Midnight Mass, I rushed home to open my presents under the Christmas tree. There was my gift! Just one? Oh well! I had sparkles in my eyes and figured this gift would have to be extra special since there was just the one. I opened it...

There was the puzzle box, the same puzzle box I'd opened months earlier, played with a dozen times, had made and re-made... that wasn't a surprise! Gifts are supposed to be surprises! My mom quickly reminded me of her words when I opened the gift. I looked at my mom, angry, sad, disapointed... ashamed! Never have I ever looked for my gifts ever again, I never questioned anyone, never snooped around: I learned the worth of the element of surprise.

In the same line of thought, when I chose to give myself three years before chosing whether to become a Muslim or not, I never shown impatience, I never gave up on learning and never looked to convert earlier. It seemed to be as much a deal with myself than a deal with God. Lately, I have been asked why I was not converting officially right away since I already made up my mind.Well, I am certain that God inspires all kinds of thing to people, to me, the deadline may have been an inspiration. God has a plan for each of us, trying to mess with the plan makes it come back and bite you in the... well, you get my drift. I'm trying to be patient and waiting. The way I see it, perhaps there are other lessons I have to learn before I convert, lessons that are not clear to me yet, but will be in due time. When the day comes, I will be ever so grateful to have been given the gift of knowledge of God, of patience and of the lessons learned. Why hurry and worry each day about the Afterlife, when we have no control over when we will reach it? God has a plan and I trust in this plan whole heartedly!

Losin' my religion...

Over the years, I have come to build a relationship with not only God, but also with Catholicism. My mother being as practicing as she was and adamant about learning about Catholicism, I managed to learn a lot have grew close to my religion. However, as a child, I questioned my religion (never my faith) on topics such as homosexuality, the worship of Jesus as a "2nd God", priests' unability to marry and the hierarchy of the church. In my late teenage years, I abandonned religion almost entirely, appalled by those discrepencies between the message of God and the interpretation (or misinterpretation) of the people. However, my faith remained strong in God and His message and while I did not share my faith, I would often pray to myself when no one was looking.

My mother's faith in God has always remained unchanging, infaillible. She prayed the Catholic way and attended Catholic churches. She never missed mass and would join with others to study the Bible or to have prayer nights. For her sake, in my late teens, I would attend mass for Christmas and Easter. It became a symbol of my love for God but almost predominently my love for my mother, and my family: my love of traditions.

Now, here I am, becoming a Muslim in the months to come. My parents are both aware of, accept and support my decision to chose Islam as my faith. To me, chosing Islam was more of a logical next step to my already existing belief in God and Jesus as his prophet. Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) only re-itterated the teachings already instilled in me as part of my Catholic upbringing and clarified some confused ideas corrupted over time by the institution that the Catholic Church has become. However, on explaining to my parents why I chose Islam, my father asked "Can I still buy your Christmas gifts?" I laughed because my father is a self-declared agnostic and doesn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons. I told him that of course he could buy me Christmas gift and that I would even return the favour. "It's not religious as much as it is tradition" I told him.

My mother asked "...but will you be able to come to Christmas mass with me?" I don't know. I honestly don't know. Would I feel like I am turning my back on Islam if I attended Roman Catholic Christmas mass? I told her that we would see, what my comfort level would be. I could hardly attend mass in a hijab, but would I be able to part from my Muslim identity to be with my mother and celebrate with her our belief in God? She doesn't agree with everything happening in the Catholic Church, she worships Jesus as the son of God, not as God Himself, she believes priests should be able to marry and women should be allowed to become priests, she beleives anyone and everyone should have the right to attend Church, regardless of faith, as long as the sanctity of the Church is not compromised. Yet she attends Church every day and worships the Roman Catholic way.

If her belief in God and his prophets and Jesus supercedes the establishment, the organization that has become the Catholic Church, can't mine? Can't I pray to God wherever I am, to myself without feeling compromised because I am not surrounded by others who share the same faith? Islam is one path to God amongst so many paths to Him. He knows what is in my heart and He understands that I do not walk away from Him because I walk into a Church, a Synagogue or a Prayer hall... just like my faith does not fail because I walk into a bar, the home of a handsome man or a breakfast joint. Where I am has little to do with my faith. So yes, I might join my mother for Christmas mass, I will exchange gifts with her, my father and my friends. I am not losing my religion, I am finding my faith, my unchanging, infalible faith in God!

God and community

When I first started learning about Islam, I expected there would be no community of Muslims that would welcoming me and my strange background partly in the Queer community, partly as a small-towner from a French Acadian Catholic community. Oddly enough, I was able to find Muslims for Progressive Values: a group of like-minded Muslims and non-Muslims welcoming of one and all or so I thought. I find myself drifting away from that community, now that I find they are much more activists than I was looking for in a religious community. I also find myself longing, for the first time, for a religious community.

I was never attracted to organized religion. I always found that the relationship between an individual and God is better lived individually. Societal problems only occur when we begin to compare our religiosity to others or leave others to define "faith", "goodness" and "evil". Most of what I find wrong with religion, is the mob mentality created by relgious organizations. Of course, those are not the traits I miss now that I am removed from religious communities, what I miss is the sharing of ideas, of ideals, of hopes and dreams with other God-minded people who wish not to dictate but to welcome my perspective on religion, politics and love.

Is it always that within any group, most of their members must conform with the same ideals to be a true community? I want to live a life enjoying the simple pleasures of life and being greatful to God for creating such pleasures! I want to share my gratefulness with members of my community, and I want them to share with me the greatness of God that they witness in their daily lives. I know the world is not perfect, but I wish to discuss God's perfection rather than people's imperfections or worse, destruction of God's work. I am grateful for the plentitude of God's love and if someone out there is as grateful as I am, I would like to share with you.

Thank you.